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LGBTI News

Lesbian, Gay Male and Transgender Elder Abuse

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When most people think about Lesbians and Gay men, they think about sexuality. After all, it’s sexuality — sexual behavior — that distinguishes heterosexuals from homosexuals. And since our culture says sexuality is an intensely private activity (particularly for the generations who are currently elders), discussion of Lesbian and Gay male elder issues can seem inappropriate and/or unnecessary, particularly when our goal is to intervene in cases of elder abuse that may have nothing to do with sex.

However, the equation of homosexuality exclusively with sexuality does Lesbian and Gay male elders a very grave disservice. It erases two key components of Gay life that have everything to do with how well these elders are served by aging providers in general and by adult protective services in particular: their relationships, and their social, psychological, and legal environment. This article seeks to outline how being a Lesbian, Gay male, or Bisexual elder may impact on that elder’s need for — and willingness to accept assistance from — adult protective services. It will also discuss some strategies adult protective workers may want to adopt to ease these elders’ fears.

Lesbian and Gay male elders have been called an “invisible” population (Cruikshank, 1991). If they are invisible, then transgendered elders have been inconceivable. Many adult protective services workers do not even realize such elders exist. This article therefore also explores transgender issues and identity vis-a-vis elder abuse and adult protective services.

Unfortunately, due in large measure to our society’s still-pervasive social prejudice against and ignorance about sexual orientation and gender minorities, there have been few studies of this population of elders, and virtually no one has examined how this population’s culture affects its experience with elder abuse. This paper is thus only a beginning, speculative venture into this realm. It is based primarily on my personal knowledge of Lesbian and Gay male elders and younger transgendered persons and on my discussions with social workers serving older Lesbians and Gay men and with domestic violence specialists serving older women or Lesbians, Gay men, and transgendered persons.

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

It’s often said that Americans are obsessed with sex. Unfortunately, that obsession has not translated into accurate and complete information about sexuality and gender. Therefore, before we can begin discussing elder abuse in relationship to this population, we need to define who they are.

Sexual Orientation

Sexual orientation refers to whether someone is sexually and/or emotionally attracted to: someone of the same gender (Lesbian, Gay male, Gay or Homosexual [both referring to either men or women]); someone of the opposite gender (heterosexual or “straight”); or both (bisexual). It’s impossible to determine how many people are Lesbian or Gay, since social prejudices dictate that many people will lie about this aspect of their identity. Those who have estimated percentages have produced numbers everywhere from 2% of the population to 20%, with 5-10% being the most popular estimates (Buxton, 1994).

Gender Identity

Gender identity refers to whether you perceive yourself to be male, female, both, or neither. Most of the time people who perceive themselves to be male are born with male genitalia, and those who perceive themselves to be female are born with genitalia labelled female. The exceptions are transgendered persons, who will be discussed in more detail below. There are nocredible estimates of how many Americans are transgendered.

The Intersection of Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation Sexual orientation and gender identity are wholly separate characteristics, like age and race. Most Lesbians feel fully female and most Gay men never question their maleness. Transgendered individuals may be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or asexual. Lesbians, Gay men, and transgendered persons are found in every racial and cultural group. Therefore, it’s possible for an individual elder to face abuse and prejudice based on her age, her race, her gender identity, and her sexual orientation. While such multiple-jeopardy situations are not uncommon, this paper will focus only (and separately) on how Lesbian or Gay sexual orientation and transgendered identity intersect with elder abuse issues.

The Social, Psychological, and Legal Environment of Lesbian and Gay Male Elders

Homophobia

For the generations of Lesbians and Gay men who are now elders, the larger social environment in which they’ve existed can be summed up in one word: homophobic. Homophobia is fear of and/or hatred toward homosexuals. When those who are now elders were growing up, discovering their sexuality, forming relationships, and making a living, homosexuality was viewed as criminal, sinful, and sick. Those known to be homosexual were often fired from jobs, thrown out of their apartments, kicked out of the military, disowned by their families, and beaten by strangers. Businesses known to cater to Gay men and Lesbians were frequent targets of police harassment. Gay men and Lesbians who were working class and/or adopted manners of dress deemed that of the “opposite” sex were particularly brutalized (Marcus, 1992). Lesbian and Gay relationships were (indeed, in most ways still are) completely denied the rights and recognition routinely granted heterosexual marriages.

A few brave Lesbians and Gay men confronted the larger society’s disparagement (Marcus, 1992), but most learned that in order to survive, they must hide their identities and relationships. Indeed the stigma of being Gay or Lesbian is so great for these generations of elders that many of them refuse to label themselves as such. “We identify simply as two women living together in a primary relationship,” said one 75-year-old who had been partnered for 41 years (Johnson, 1991, p. 26). Adelman (1991, p. 30) interviewed another elder who said, “I never wanted to identify with a lesbian group. I just like being with women.”

Social condemnation of people who have relationships or sex with persons of their own gender is so strong that even those who do not identify themselves as Gay or Lesbian, those who do not associate with other known Gays or Lesbians, and those who “come out” (realize they are Gay) late in life nevertheless adopt many of the same protective behaviors and social adaptations as those who have long labelled themselves Gay.

Some of these adaptations are helpful. Some researchers believe, for instance, that Lesbians and Gay men may actually adapt to aging better than some of their heterosexual peers because they’ve learned to build close networks of friends and have a greater range of daily living skills due to their rejection of social gender task proscriptions (Friend, 1991).

Unfortunately, some of these adaptations make older Gay men and Lesbians morevulnerable to abuse, neglect, and exploitation. And none of the adaptations spares Lesbian and Gay male elders from the abuse all elders are vulnerable to, or from the threat of homophobic abuse.

Abuse of Lesbian and Gay Male Elders

Homophobic Abuse

The stories abound. One researcher discussed an older resident of a nursing home whom staff refused to bathe because they didn’t want to touch “the Lesbian” (Raphael, 1997). A social worker reported a case where the home care assistant threatened to “out” her older Gay male client if he reported her negligent care (Roosen, personal communication, May 12, 1997). Older Lesbians and Gay men who choose not to or do not succeed at hiding all traces of their sexual orientation are also subject to street harassment and violence (Visano, 1991).

Domestic Violence

Homophobia also plays a part in domestic violence within Lesbian and Gay couples. A therapist who works with Gay male batterers reports that “the majority…[of the men referred to him] have manifested a negative self- concept related to being homosexual, as well as negative feelings about who they are as a person.” (Byrne, 1996, p. 110) Homophobia is often used as a tool of batterers, who threaten to out their lovers to family or employers (Elliott, 1996).

Fear of Authorities

Most importantly, however, homophobia serves to keep victims from seeking help. Such a move (particularly if the abuser is a lover) might require outing oneself and facing possible hostility from the very people who are supposed to help. If seeking help involves — or might involve — the police, Lesbians and Gay men are especially likely to demur, because being Gay is still illegal in many states and because virtually every older Lesbian and Gay man knows of instances of police brutality against homosexuals (Marcus, 1992).

Legal Barriers

Legal discrimination against Lesbian and Gay male couples makes it harder for elders to afford to leave an abusive relationship. Whereas a heterosexual wife usually has access — albeit sometimes hard-to-obtain access — to her husband’s pension and (in community property states) to half of the couple’s assets regardless of whose name is on the title or account, Lesbians and Gay men have no such rights. An older Gay man who does not have sufficient pension income of his own has no right to a portion of his lover’s, and an older Lesbian whose abusive partner put all their assets in her name (a scenario that is fairly common among couples with an abusive, controlling partner) will lose everything she has worked for her whole life if she leaves.

Self-Neglect by Lesbian and Gay Male Elders

Every state that includes self-neglect in its definition of elder abuse reports that self- neglect makes up a large proportion of the elder abuse problem (Tatara, 1994). In fact, one study (Duke, 1990) found that self- neglect made up 79% of substantiated elder abuse cases. Judging from the experiences of Ruth Morales and George Roosen, caseworkers for San Francisco’s Gay and Lesbian Outreach to Elders, it seems possible that Lesbians and Gay men make up more than their “fair share” of this population. They have several reasons why they believe this is so (personal communication, May 12, 1997).

Internalized Homophobia

All Lesbians and Gay men must struggle to define themselves as worthy and decent human beings in the face of social prejudice that says they are emphatically not worthy and decent (Adelman, 1991). Some never successfully achieve a positive self-definition. Others, facing increasing disabilities, the deaths of lovers and friends, and other drains on their emotional strength, may find their psychological defenses against homophobia disintegrating as they age. Elders who have internalized homophobia come to believe that they are not worthy and respectable people and consequently deserve loneliness, ill health, and poor living conditions. Lacking self- esteem, these elders may be unable to ask for help, and unwilling to accept any help that is offered.

A History of Hiding

The current generations of Lesbian and Gay male elders almost invariably have histories of protecting themselves from social prejudice by hiding who they are. Some contracted heterosexual marriages or took opposite-sex friends to work-related social events. Others “simply” pretended to be single or lied about their hobbies and interests. Many turned down jobs and other opportunities that threatened their efforts to appear heterosexual. Roosen believes that some Lesbian and Gay male elders have so routinely taken extraordinary measures to protect their privacy that the prospect of allowing someone into their homes to provide personal care is unthinkable.

The Value of Independence

Ironically, one of the most adaptive consequences of learning to deal with societal homophobia — cultivating the skills and attitudes to sustain independence — can end up being counter-productive when an elder becomes frail. Because so many Gay men and Lesbians are disowned by family members who learn of their homosexuality and because they are legally deprived of rights to their partners’ earnings and pensions, Lesbians and Gay men tend to highly value self-reliance. Older Lesbians, in particular, often take pride in their ability to be self- supporting. Unfortunately, this independent streak can make accepting help in old age anathema. Consequently, some Lesbian and Gay male elders, Morales believes, simply vastly prefer self- neglect to “becoming dependent.”

Fear of Encountering Homophobia

Finally, Lesbian and Gay male elders may end up self-neglecting in order to protect themselves from others’ homophobia. Isolation is widely viewed as one of the primary risk factors for elder abuse and neglect (Wolf, 1996). Unfortunately, the services set up to connect isolated older people with others are shunned by many Lesbians and Gay men. Morales and Roosen report that many of their clients refuse to attend senior centers or nutrition sites or move into senior housing because they have “nothing in common” with heterosexual peers, whose conversations often include discussions of grandchildren and spouses. They also tend to refuse home care services, fearing that a worker might realize they are Gay and become abusive or try to blackmail them.

Transgendered Elders

Definitions

It is highly unlikely an adult protective services worker will ever encounter an elder who calls him- or herself “transgendered.” This term is relatively new, and its definition is contested. However, it is a useful umbrella term for several types of gender-related identities.

Transsexual. A transsexual is a person assumed to be female at birth who now lives full- time as a male (female-to-male or FTM), or a person assumed to be male at birth who now lives full-time as a female (male-to-female or MTF). Transsexuals may be post-operative, which means they have had one or more surgeries to alter their primary and/or secondary sex characteristics. They may be pre-operative, in that they intend to have one or more surgeries in the future. And they may be non-operative, which means they do not intend to have any gender-related surgeries. Although most transsexuals take hormones to help their bodies visually conform to their gender identity, some do not. Legally, transsexuals may have changed all, some, or none of their identity papers to reflect their “new” gender and (if appropriate) name.

Cross-dresser or transvestite. A cross-dresser or transvestite is a person who dresses part- time or full-time in clothing his or her culture deems as “belonging” to the “opposite” gender. Some people cross-dress as part of a performance, and may be called drag queens or drag kings.

Intersexed (intersexual) or hermaphrodite. Intersexuals (formerly known as hermaphrodites) are persons born with genitals that are not clearly “male” or “female,” or do not look like “typical” genitals.

Transgender(ed). This term is a catch-all for all of the above and for people who feel they cross or blur gender lines, are both female and male or neither. “Butch” Lesbians and “effeminate” Gay men are sometimes included in this category.

Non-congruent Bodies

What nearly all transgendered elders have in common is a body that does not “match” their clothing, presentation, and/or identity. Transsexual genital surgeries only began in the 1940s and 1950s, are extremely expensive and seldom covered by insurance, and — especially in the case of female-to-male transsexuals — have often produced less-than-satisfactory results. Therefore, even transsexual elders are likely to have genitals and (perhaps) other physical features that are not congruent with their sense of who they are. That means transgendered elders will tend to be extremely reluctant to use services — even emergency medical care — that require disrobing.

Transphobia

Social prejudice against transgendered persons (transphobia) is, in many cases, even more intense than that directed against Lesbians and Gay men. Surveys of transgendered persons consistently show an extremely high rate of violent victimization, including higher-than-average rates of street violence and of childhood violence perpetuated by parents and caregivers (Bowen, 1996; Courvant, 1997; Wilchins, 1997). Transgendered persons face prejudice from family members, employers, the general public, and “helping professionals.”

Law enforcement. Like Lesbians and Gay men, transgendered persons generally avoid contact with the police. Transgendered persons have often been the victims of police brutality and negligence, and many stories circulate about what happens in jail when a transgendered person is placed in a sex-segregated group cell.

Health care professionals. Transgendered persons are also subject to health care provider ignorance and prejudice. Even those who specialize in treating transgendered persons often require them to lie and hide. For decades these doctors and therapists required transsexuals to divorce loving spouses, move to new states, and fabricate whole new “life histories” in order to qualify for hormones and surgery. Even today, some surgeons refuse to operate on transsexuals who reveal facts like having borne or sired children. Health care providers who do not specialize in treating transgendered persons are, for the most part, completely ignorant about their health care needs and concerns (Morton, Lewis, Hans and Green, 1997).

Effects of transphobia. Because they face similar social prejudices and degradations, it is likely that transgendered elders face the same elevated risks of elder abuse and self-neglect as their Lesbian and Gay male peers. They may frequently internalize the prejudice against them and come to believe that they are not worthy of decent treatment. Greg Merrill, Director of Client Services at the Community United Against Violence, reports that transgendered victims of domestic violence are the least likely to leave an abusive lover, since they often believe their abuser’s taunts that no one else will ever love and accept them as they are (personal communication, June 17, 1997).

Like Lesbian and Gay elders, transgendered elders may frequently refuse services. They, too, will be exceptionally protective of their privacy. Because of past negative experiences, they may be particularly resistant to dealing with health care professionals, law enforcement, and agencies that may question their legal identity.

Implications for Adult Protective Services

Adult protective services workers, no matter how skilled and caring, cannot begin to negate or compensate for the violence and prejudice Lesbian, Gay male, and transgendered elders face. What they can do is try to be more aware of the perhaps-hidden realities of clients’ lives, and be more skilled at addressing clients’ fears and needs.

Identifying Lesbian and Gay Male Elders

Adult protective services workers do not have to positively identify who among their caseload is Gay in order to properly serve them. Indeed, many Lesbian and Gay male elders would feel distinctly uncomfortable if they felt they were “read” (identified as Gay), and some might deny it if asked. One Gay social worker even recommends not coming out to a suspected Lesbian or Gay male elder if you yourself are Gay, as it puts the elder in the uncomfortable position of feeling pressure to also self-disclose (Roosen, personal communication, May 12, 1997).

Recognize Relationships

Instead, be aware that not all couples are heterosexual. If there is evidence an elder lives with another adult, gently probe as to the nature and length of the relationship. Echo the elder’s language. Is this “friend” or “roommate” someone the elder can count on for care? For financial assistance? If there appears to be a partnership of some sort, you need not determine whether it’s sexual. Simply begin asking the type of questions you would ask a married couple rather than the type of questions you’d ask about a neighbor.

Be Aware of Legal Realities

At the same time, if the client appears to have a same-sex partner, be aware of the lack of legal protections and assumptions these couples have. If the client and partner want the partner to have something as simple as hospital visiting privileges or something as complex as an inheritance, special legal documents may have to be drafted. Even then, the couple may need help getting such documents honored: one lawyer who specializes in elder law and Lesbian and Gay issues reports that a nursing home refused to honor the Power of Attorney he drew up for the Gay lover of a resident (private conversations held at Joint Conference on Law and Aging, 1994).

Listen Especially Carefully

It was easy for the social workers who work with Lesbian and Gay elders to recite instances where adult protective services workers made situations worse. In one case, an older Gay man was moved out of a “dangerous” neighborhood to “nice senior housing.” All of this man’s friends and social contacts were young Gay male hustlers who abandoned him once he moved out of their neighborhood and into a “secure” building, effectively isolating him among people with whom he had nothing in common (Roosen, personal communication, May 12, 1997).

Similarly, what may look to an outsider like an exploitative relationship may, in fact, be quite an acceptable exchange to the people involved. Many older Gay men, in particular, couple with much younger men (Steinman, 1991; Visano, 1991). In one instance reported by Roosen, an older Gay man took in a much younger, Gay addict living with AIDS. The younger man was abusive and exploitative, but after his death the older man reported that he was prouder of having helped that young man than of almost anything else he’d ever done.

Find Respectful Service Providers

Just as an elder from a racial minority culture needs to have service providers who are respectful of her beliefs and practices, Lesbian, Gay male, and transgendered elders need providers who will treat them respectfully. If you suspect an older client is Lesbian, Gay, or transgendered, make sure you find or train service providers who will not denigrate them. In the case of transgendered elders, it is crucial for everyone who comes into contact with the elder to always address them by the name and pronoun they use, regardless of that elder’s genitals or legal identification.

Connect with the Client

One of the interesting findings of Bozinovski’s study of self-neglecting elders (1996) is that many of these elders were strongly identified with their past professions. This seems a fruitful rapport-building area to explore with suspected Lesbian and Gay elders, as these elders often invested a lot in their professional lives (Johnson, 1991). Further rapport can be developed by addressing “friends” or “roommates” as one would a spouse, and by noticing and asking about personal effects such as pictures (just don’t assume the young man in a picture is the client’s son!). If it will work in smoothly, talk about the variety of persons your agency serves.

Connect the Client to the Community

If you get any indication that a client is willing to talk about being Lesbian, Gay, or transgendered, be prepared to assist her or him in locating appropriate resources. Although there are very few programs specifically for Lesbian and Gay elders and none for transgendered elders, there are more and more “Gay retiree” groups, and hundreds of communities have Gay-oriented churches or social groups and/or transgender support groups. The pastors of such churches or leaders of such groups may be willing to arrange for an informal friendly visitor if the elder is homebound. A list of such resources is included below.

Conclusion

Given how much prejudice and violence Lesbian, Gay male, and transgendered elders face, there can be no question that any given APS caseload will include such elders. These clients are likely to be more resistant than other clients to accepting services, due to their fears of being victimized or ridiculed again and of losing especially-valued independence and privacy. When APS workers become more aware of the existence and circumstances of Lesbian, Gay male, and transgendered elders, they should be better able to build rapport with these clients and assist them in getting the services and assistance they need.

References

Adelman, M. (1991). Stigma, gay lifestyles, and adjustment to aging: A study of later-life gay men and lesbians. In J. A. Lee (Ed.), Gay midlife and maturity (pp. 7-32). New York: the Haworth Press.

Bowen, G. (1996). Violence and health survey. (Available from American Boyz, P.O. Box 1118, Elkton, MD 21922-1118)

Bozinovski, S.D. (1996, November). Self-neglect among elders: A struggle for self- continuity. Paper presented at conference of the National Association of Adult Protective Services Administrators, Austin, TX.

Buxton, A.P. (1994). The other side of the closet: The coming-out crisis for straight spouses and families (revised edition). New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Byrne, D. (1996). Clinical models for the treatment of gay male perpetrators of domestic violence. In C. M. Renzetti & C. H. Miley (Eds.), Violence in gay and lesbian domestic partnerships (pp. 107-116). New York: Harrington Park Press.

Courvant, D. (1997). Domestic violence and the sex- or gender-variant survivor.(Available from the Survivor Project, 5028 NE 8th, Portland, OR 97211)

Cruikshank, M. (1991). Lavender and gray: A brief survey of lesbian and gay aging studies. In J. A. Lee (Ed.), Gay midlife and maturity (pp. 77-87). New York: The Haworth Press.

Duke, J. (1996). Study found 79% of adult protective services cases were self-neglect. Aging, 367, 42-43.

Elliott, P. (1996). Shattering the illusions: Same-sex domestic violence. In C. M. Renzetti & C. H. Miley (Eds.), Violence in gay and lesbian domestic partnerships (pp. 1-8). New York: Harrington Park Press.

Flynn, E. & Choe, C. (1996, June 26). Down by law. San Francisco Bay Guardian. Friend, R.A. (1991). Older lesbian and gay people: A theory of successful aging. In J. A. Lee (Ed.), Gay midlife and maturity (pp. 99-118). New York: The Haworth Press.

Johnson, S.E. (1990). Staying power: Long term lesbian couples. Tallahassee, Florida: The Naiad Press.

Marcus, E. (1992). Making history: The struggle for gay and lesbian elder rights, 1945- 1990, An oral history. New York: Harper Collins.

Morton, S., Lewis, Y., Hans, A., & Green, J. (1997). FTM 101 — The invisible transsexual. (Available from FTM International, Inc., 1360 Mission Street, Suite 200, San Francisco, CA 94103)

Raphael, S. (1997, June). Lesbian and gay elders. Paper presented at a conference of the National Center on Elder Abuse, Long Beach, CA.

Steinman, R. (1991). Social exchanges between older and younger gay male partners. In J. A. Lee (Ed.), Gay midlife and maturity (pp. 179-206). New York: The Haworth Press.

Tatara, T. (1994). Elder abuse: Questions and answers (4th ed.) (Booklet). Washington, D.C.: The National Center on Elder Abuse.

Visano, L.A. (1991). The impact of age on paid sexual encounters. In J. A. Lee (Ed.), Gay midlife and maturity (pp. 207-226). New York: The Haworth Press.

Wilkins, R.A. (1997). First national survey on transviolence. (Available from GenderPac, 274 West 11th St., #30, New York, NY 10014)

Wolf, R.S. (1996). Understanding elder abuse and neglect. Aging, 367, 4-9.

2000, amboyz.org

Transgender News

Female To Male Before And After Photos

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Transsexuality is when a person adopts a different gender identity by not feeling belonging to their assigned gender. Transsexuality refers to a person’s gender identity, so it should not be confused with sexual orientation. A transgender person may have sexual orientations such as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual or asexual.

Transgender people, if they wish, can get medical help when making a permanent transition to the gender they define. During this transition period, practices such as hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery aim to adapt their bodies to the gender they are defined.

Transsexuality is seeing and feeling as a different gender in the inner world rather than one’s behavior. Therefore, it is not possible to determine transsexuals by their appearance. Because they do not always reflect on their external appearance that they feel different sex. Unlike transvestism, other than clothing, physical appearance and behavior, some of the transsexuals undergo gender reassignment surgery and switch to different gender socially and legally.

Trans man, The term used for transgender men. It is the name given to people who were born female but identify themselves as male.

Many transgender people share their photos before and after the gender transition process.

I am sharing some of the before and after trans men photos I found on the internet.

 

Transgender News

Trans Man & Non-Binary Guide

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In this article, I would like to talk about the products that make life easier for us as much as I can and the products we use / will use. I think it will be a little long but it is worth your reading.

Most of us have body dysphoria, and it is obvious that we have difficulties in our daily lives. The “binder” comes first among the items that facilitate this. There are those who suffer from severe posture disorders due to chest dysphoria. Many things are used in order not to reveal the breast, but the safest and healthiest of them is binder.

What should be considered when buying a binder?

First of all, the fabric quality of the binder that is not removed for a long time (actually this is wrong) is very important. It should be a breathable fabric, it should not cause allergies. Frankly, there is no place that produces locally produced products with very pleasant qualities. If your budget is not enough to buy from abroad, you can review and buy the products on the “fmtsmalls” page. “Underworks” and “gc2b” companies from abroad are among the best. Many trans people prefer these companies. Apart from that, there are many sellers’ products on Aliexpres, you can choose by looking at their comments here. When using binder, you should try not to wear it for a long time. This is important for your health, in order to avoid allergic reactions on your skin and to prevent serious deformations in the breast structure. In addition, you should not use methods such as bandaging.

If you are still hidden from your family and want to use binder, you can keep it safe by keeping it between your clothes when you are not wearing it.

Our second product, called packer, is used instead of under-pants penis. When you want to show yourself as a man among people on the street, if you don’t want feminine lines to stand out, you can use what is called packer. Before the products sold, you can get help from the videos of making a sock packer at home, which you can easily find on Youtube. When you write How to make a packer, you will see many videos. Even if you don’t speak English, you can easily learn while watching. In addition, domestic and foreign companies produce packers that are realistic. I recommend that you pay attention to the fact that it is not too big when choosing.

Another product after Packer is realistic penises. These are divided into two or three functions for standing peeing and for intercourse. I think there may be many more details, but I do not have very detailed information. Especially if you are going to buy it for a relationship, I recommend that you allocate a good budget and buy a quality product. In addition, if you use lubricant during contact with these products, you should be careful that it is water-based, others damage the product. Using condoms is beneficial for your partner’s health, again, it must be water-based. You can also find many review videos on Youtube, and you can find hint articles on foreign forums. Just start looking for a great paradise for us on Google and ask to learn. I have to say that in realistic products, if you want double-sided pleasure, which is an important thing, there is an apparatus called the pleasure rod developed abroad to enjoy not only your partner but also yourself. You can get an idea by looking at the company’s products and their Youtube reviews. Copies of this product were published recently as a domestic production, but I always favor the original purchase of such things. My first suggestion for Packer and realistics is Peacock firm, RealMagik, TransGuySupply and FTMShopping are others. In addition, many underwear manufacturing companies also sell packers and realistic products. In Turkey, “transfromturkey” account and the newly established tugrealistic I would recommend to you. You can also find many product recommendations on trans pages on Instagram.

Unfortunately, there are no local companies for packers and realistics, as well as comfortable underwear use in our daily lives. There is no sector for trans people in our country yet. The firm that I recommend and my favorite is Rodeoh. You can see all products on their own sites and instagram. It has really high quality and helpful products. Pocket compartment for packer, special hole for intercourse, convenient use. You can understand when you look at the models. Unfortunately, the prices are a bit high for us, but you can talk and request a discount coupon. Another company only for boxer is Woxer. It is a company that started out and manufactures on the female body. Unfortunately, there is no domestic counterpart, but you can look at the models for the relationship and find solutions yourself at home. I guess you can achieve this by buying a narrow boxer, making a hole the size of the penis and stitching the edges? In normal boxer use, I recommend the brands John Frank and Jack Jones, whose designs I like, in terms of comfort and quality. They are really comfortable and do not bother the fabrics.

I want to say a few things about your relationships. Put ourselves in certain patterns

Article by @siriusea

Transgender News

Laverne Cox

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Laverne Cox (born May 29, 1972) is an American actress and LGBTI+ advocate. Featured as Sophia Burset in the Netflix series Orange Is the New Black, she became the first openly transgender person to be nominated for a Primetime Emmy Award in any acting category. She is the first open transsexual shown.

In 2015, Laverne Cox won a Daytime Emmy Award for the Outstanding Private Class Special as executive producer of Presents: The T Word, becoming the first openly transgender woman to win this award.

In 2017, she became the first transgender person to play a transgender character on the TV broadcast as Cameron Wirth on CBS’s Doubt series.

The ‘Orange is the New Black’ star talks to The Hollywood Reporter about nearly quitting acting and why she’s chosen to use her latest awards nod to spotlight other trans performers.

When Laverne Cox turned 40 in May 2012, she was knee-deep in debt and ready to trade in the title of “actress” for “grad student.”

After 20 years of grinding out a career as a performer in New York, Cox had a conversation with a onetime co-worker from Lucky Cheng’s Restaurant & Bar, where she was working at the time. “They had just gone to school and were about to graduate from graduate school and they were like, ‘You need to go to school,’ ” she recalled. She agreed. “When I moved to New York City in 1993, I thought I would be a superstar in two, three years tops. That didn’t quite happen.”

Though she had some film and TV credits on her resume, it felt like the time had come to close the curtain. “It was a devastating realization. It’s like, OK, you’re 40 years old. Maybe that’s all God wanted for me in this business. Maybe this is all I’m supposed to do. Now I should just listen to what the universe seems to be telling me about this acting thing and try something else. Then I got this audition. It turns out that God had a different plan.”

That blueprint included a seven-year run playing Sophia Burset on the Netflix prison series Orange is the New Black, a role that has garnered the now-47-year-old three Emmy nominations for outstanding guest actress. It’s a historic feat — Cox was the first transgender performer ever nominated for an acting award — and one, she admits, she’s still processing. “The day it happened, I cried,” Cox told The Hollywood Reporter during a recent In Studio visit. “I was in London shooting a film [Jolt with Kate Beckinsale]. I was even more surprised about this one than the other two. If this is happening now, there has to be a bigger reason.”

Cox has decided that the reason should be for her to help shift the spotlight to other transgender performers in Hollywood. “The year when a show like Pose is on the air and I honestly thought I would no longer be the only trans person nominated for an acting Emmy. No other trans actors were nominated this year, I thought, okay, this is an opportunity to lift up those performances to talk about this,” she said. “Like, invite the Television Academy members to consider the brilliant work of some of the trans actors who are working on television. Certainly, you know, an Emmy should be about the work and the talent and what you’ve brought to the craft, but, you know, in 2019, why should there just be one trans person who’s been nominated for an acting Emmy?”

Even though it is her, Cox is not content claiming all the credit. “I share this nomination with everyone in our cast, in our crew. I love all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for seven incredible years,” she said. “Thank you, Jenji Kohan.”

Transgender News

Ellen Page Has Come Out As Trans & Non-binary

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Elliot Page, the Oscar-nominated star of “Juno” and Netflix’s “The Umbrella Academy,” has announced he is transgender.

Elliot, formerly known as Ellen Page, addressed his social media followers saying:

“Hi friends, I want to share with you that I am trans, my pronouns are he/they and my name is Elliot. I feel lucky to be writing this. To be here. To have arrived at this place in my life. I feel overwhelming gratitude for the incredible people who have supported me along this journey. I can’t begin to express how remarkable it feels to finally love who I am enough to pursue my authentic self. I’ve been endlessly inspired by so many in the trans community. Thank you for your courage, your generosity and ceaselessly working to make this world a more inclusive and compassionate place. I will offer whatever support I can and continue to strive for a more loving and equal society,” he wrote.

“I love that I am trans. And I love that I am queer. And the more I hold myself close and fully embrace who I am, the more I dream, the more my heart grows and the more I thrive. To all the trans people who deal with harassment, self-loathing, abuse, and the threat of violence every day: I see you, I love you, and I will do everything I can to change this world for the better,” Page continued.

Page uses both he/him and they/them pronouns, and describes himself as transgender and non-binary, meaning that his gender identity is neither man nor woman.

Transgender News

Support Message to Brazilian Trans Community

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Father Julio Lancellotti, a Catholic priest from São Paulo in Brazil, shared a photo of trans women on his Instagram account and spoke in favor of inclusion and equality.

“The fight against discrimination and prejudice is a never-ending struggle. We are all children of God. We must always admit and never discriminate ”

Father Julio Lancellotti’s support for the Brazilian trans community is nothing new, with more than 345,000 subscribers on Instagram.

The priest is known as a strong advocate of equality in Brazil. He has spoken many times in favor of the rights and equality of the LGBTI + community.

The 72-year-old priest has worked tirelessly for the homeless throughout his career. In 2018, she made a splash on social media by sharing a video of a homeless trans woman asking for forgiveness for all the horrors the Brazilian society has experienced.

Father Julio Lancellotti was praised by his supporters for promoting love and equality for the trans community, and even appreciated for his work by the Brazilian Bar Human Rights Committee in the past.

Transgender News

FTM Related Books

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Here Is A List of Female to Male Related Books…

Bornstein, Kate. Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us. Vintage Books, 1995.

Bornstein, Kate. My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely. Routledge, 1998.

Brown, Mildred L. & Chloe Ann Rounsley. True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism-For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals. Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1996.

Burke, Phyllis. Gender Shock: Exploding the Myths of Male and Female. Anchor Press, 1997.

Califia, Pat. Sex Changes: The Politics of Transgenderism. Cleis Press, 1997.

Cameron, Loren. Body Alchemy: Transsexual Portraits. Cleis Press, 1996.

Colapinto, John. As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl. Harper Collins, 2000.

Devor, Holly. FTM: Female-To-Male Transsexuals in Sciety. Indiana University Press, 1997.

Devor, Holly. Gender Blending: Confronting The Limits Of Duality. Indiana University, 1989.

Feinberg, Leslie. Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue. Beacon Press, 1998.

Feinberg, Leslie. Stone Butch Blues: A Novel. Firebrand Books, 1993.

Feinberg, Leslie. Transgender Warriors : Making History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman. Beacon Press, 1997.

Halberstam, Judith. Female Masculinity. Duke University Press, 1998.

Hewitt, Paul. A Self-Made Man: The Diary Of A Man Born In A Woman’s Body. Headline, 1995.

Israel, Gianna E. Transgender Care: Recommended Guidelines, Practical Information, and Personal Accounts. Temple University Press, 1997.

Jones, Aphrodite. All She Wanted. Pocket Books, 1996.

Kirk, Sheila M.D. Masculinizing Hormonal Therapy for the Transgendered. Together Lifeworks, 1996.

Middlebrook, Diane Wood. Suits Me: The Double Life Of Billy Tipton. Houghton Mifflin, 1998.

Morpurgo, Michael. Joan Of Arc. Harcourt Brace, 1999 (Children’s Book)

Nataf, Zachary I. Lesbians Talk Transgender. Scarlet Press, 1996.

Nestle, Joan. The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader. Alyson Publications, 1992.

Pratt, Minnie Bruce. S/he. Firebrand Books, 1995.

Queen, Carol and Lawrence Schimel. Pomosexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality. Cleis Press, 1997.

Ramsey, Gerald, Ph.D. Transsexuals: Candid Answers To Private Questions. The Crossing Press, 1996.

Rees, Mark Nicholas Alban. Dear Sir or Madam: The Autobiography of a Female-To-Male Transsexual. Cassell Academic: 1996.

Reit, Seymour. Behind Rebel Lines. Odyssey, 1988. ( Children’s Book about a girl who enlisted in the Union Army as a boy.)

Stringer, Joann Altman. The Transsexual’s Survival Guide: To Transition & Beyond. Creative Design Services, 1990.

Sullivan, Louis. From Female To Male: The Life Of Jack Bee Garland. Alyson Publications, 1990.

Thompson, C.J.S. Ladies Or Gentleman: Women Who Posed As Men, And Men Who Impersonated Women. Dorset Press, 1993

Valerio, Max Wolf. A Man: The Transsexual Journey of an Agent Provocateur. William Morrow & Company, 1998.

Volcano, Del LaGrace & Halberstam, Judith “Jack”. The Drag King Book. Serpent’s Tail, 1999.

Wilchins, Riki Anne. Read My Lips: Sexual Subversion and the End of Gender. Firebrand Books, 1997.

Transgender News

First Meeting with A Transsexual

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J. B. writes:

> Having spent some time browsing the various posts in this group, I feel I’m better prepared to meet my transsexual cousin for the first time. However, I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give me. My cousin was originally male and is around 45 years old. I know he is currently undergoing hormone therapy but I don’t think he has had the surgery yet. I last saw him about three years ago and he gave no clue as to his desire to be female. His dad (my uncle) called me about 2 weeks ago with the news and I have to say I was a bit shocked. I’ve written to my cousin and he has replied with an upbeat newsy type letter. He has asked that I call him to arrange a time and place to meet up. I haven’t called yet and am rather nervous of doing so, yet determined nonetheless. I’m saddened that we haven’t kept in touch over the years (I’m male aged 34) and don’t want him to think I’m only getting in touch out of some weird curiosity.

First, your feelings are fairly typical for someone facing this issue for the first time. You can take some comfort in the probability that your cousin has encountered this before, and expects it.

Also, it is typical for many of us that no one else has a clue about how we feel or what we want, until we start coming to terms with it in ourselves. Again, your cousin will probably expect that you didn’t know; that too is normal. And shock is a fairly common first reaction. The closer you’ve been to someone, the more the shock.

You don’t mention whether your cousin is currently living as a female. In the U.S., one year of cross-living is required prior to surgery. If your cousin is now living as a female, then using her female name, and using female pronouns, would be most appropriate (and most appreciated). If your cousin is still living as a male, then ask what name and pronouns he/she would like you to use. (It’s OK to ask questions; your cousin probably expects you to ask a LOT of questions!) A time period of adjustment (for you!) to these changes is also normal.

It’s OK to be nervous, and it’s OK to be getting in touch with him/her because of this change in her life. It’s normal for family members to lose touch with each other, and to become closer when some event brings them back together again. The only thing that’s unusual in this case is the event itself! If getting together with your cousin brings up other feelings of friendship and past family events or issues, then you certainly won’t be coming across as merely “curious.”

The fact that you’ve already exchanged letters is a good start. As you call and as you meet with your cousin, I strongly suggest being open and direct and honest about your feelings, starting with being nervous. Feelings will be communicated whether you talk about them or not; it’s best to talk openly, so your cousin will know why you feel a particular way. It’s also a good way to address the issues in general; there are certain factual aspects about being a transsexual, but most of the issues that really matter are emotional. If your cousin can write an “upbeat, newsy” letter, then she’s probably ready to deal with the emotional side of talking with you.

Finally, thank you for taking the time and trouble to find out what you can before meeting your cousin, and for asking for assistance. I appreciate that you’ve done that! You’re off to a fine start as far as accepting these changes in your cousin’s life, and your attitude so far feels good and right to me. Good luck, and enjoy renewing your connections with your cousin.

firelily.com/gender/diane/first.mtg.html – 2002

Transgender News

Transgender Native Americans

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Transgendered Native Americans are frequently referenced as nearby, non-European models of both transgenderism and homosexuality. Unfortunately a great many erroneous suppositions are circulating with regard to transgendered Native Americans, and recent explications by gay historians serve to obscure the more important elements of gender in order to make a gay political point. This article is intended to briefly correct some of the common misunderstandings, not to be a complete or definitive statement on transgendered Native Americans.

The term ‘berdache’ was formerly used by white people in reference to Native Americans born male who were living as women. The term comes from the Arabic by way of the French, it’s original meaning is ‘slave boy’ or ‘catamite’. As such it conveys European ignorance of and contempt for transgendered Native Americans, and its use is considered insulting and erroneous by Native Americans. Unfortunately, modern transgendered Native Americans are at a distinct disadvantage, as white domination has eroded traditional tolerance and respect for transgendered Native Americans, as Native Americans, under economic, political, cultural, religious, and military domination by white people, worked to shed those customs which brought ridicule and punishment upon them by the white conquerors. Kachina clowns, transgendered people, contraries, and other people the white men found bizarre were suppressed, and many modern Native Americans are largely unaware of the former acceptance and respect given them.

All parties concerned agree that ‘berdache’ should be dropped, and when possible, replaced by the appropriate term for the particular tribe under discussion. The term ‘two-spirited’, however, is enjoying a vogue in certain circles as a generic replacement for ‘berdache’. It is not by any means accepted by all transgendered Native Americans, for various reasons. Therefore this article will refer to ‘transgendered Native Americans’ as the term least likely to give offense and most likely to be understood.

Objections to the term ‘two-spirited’ illuminate many of the dilemmas and traditions facing transgendered Native Americans. First, ‘two-spirited’ is used to mean ‘queer’, that is to say, it is used to refer to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered Native Americans. As such, it reflects white concepts of gender and orientation, for in traditional societies, such people were integrated into the tribe. They were not ‘two-spirited’, but true spirited, that is to say, they abided by the principle of dreaming themselves into existence, and their single minded devotion to their visions was integrated and whole, not divided and torn, as implied by the term ‘two-spirited’. In some places, the word ‘two-spirited’ is an insult applied to halfbreeds, or Indians who have ‘sold out’ and adopted white ways. As such, it defines a person who is torn from his ancestral ways, and as such, it may sometimes be an apt description of transgendered people whose tribes do not understand and accept them, but it serves only to emphasize the alienation of the transgendered person rather than to tie him to older, wiser concepts.

Other critics object to the term ‘two-spirited’ being applied to gay, lesbian, and bisexual people who are not gender variant. Transgenderism among Native tribes was very much a phenomenon of gender, not orientation. Orientation, as modern white people understand it, was not known among the tribes before the white men. Intimate relationships were dictated by one’s gender role, not one’s affectional preference–though of course there were always individuals who varied from those standards, and ways of sublimating homosexuality through socially accepted rituals. One such ritual was blood brotherhood, in which two men mingled their blood and were sworn to be always loyal to one another, to rescue one another when in danger, and to support one another in undertaking challenges. It was often observed that men loved their blood brothers more than their biological brothers or even their wives, and this was considered appropriate, normal, and manly; the homoerotic interpretation of such intense intimate relationships was not discussed.

Another important objection to the term ‘two-spirited’, is that the creation of a pseudo- Indian terms implies that transgenderism was a universal phenomenon among the tribes, when it was not. Approximately one third of North American tribes have been documented as having visible transgendered customs, which means it was far from a universal phenomenon. Further, it completely ignores Native Americans of Central and South American, about whom little is known to English-speakers, as well as non-Indian Native Americans, such as the Inuit of the Arctic and sub-Arctic regions.

It is important to clarify the arena of transgendered discussion: most, though not all, of the tribes exhibiting transgenderism were located in the Canadian and American West, especially the Plains Peoples and the Pueblo Peoples. Plains images dominate thinking about Native Americans, and it is important to understand that the following discussion does not apply to Woodland Tribes east of the Mississippi, the northern reaches of Canada and Alaska, and numerous other places.

Plains culture was extremely free, in that Plains Peoples were generally prosperous enough that very small units could support themselves, coming together in large communities only for Sundance and winter camp. Thus idiosyncrasities in individuals were much more easily tolerated as they didn’t constantly rub elbows with other people who might object. If a Plains person didn’t like his neighbor, he could always pack his tipi and leave. Pueblo Peoples, being agrarian, had much more tight knit, ritualistic, and formal organizations and traditions, as a result of which transgendered behavior was carefully channeled in socially approved ways, as compared to transgendered Plains People who were free to express themselves pretty much however they liked — within certain limits.

Without going into specific detail for each tribe, the loose procedure for detecting and raising a transgendered child was notice his or her preference for the tools and duties typical of men or women. The tribes had sharply defined gender roles, which were enforced through shame, but they did not assign gender roles based on genitals, but rather upon the temperament and occupational preferences of the child. Thus young children were labeled ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ at any early age, long before sexual orientation would manifest. At this point it is important to point out that effeminacy is not a predictor of homosexuality in men, neither is masculinity a predictor of homosexuality in women. Only a small percentage of gay men and women fit the stereotype of ‘sissy’ or ‘tomboy’. The vast majority have gender identity and appearance consonant with their genital gender. Thus one cannot assume that gender variant Native American children were also homosexual. On the contrary, most of them were probably heterosexual, and had to learn the sexual expression appropriate to their gender role. However, it is impossible to state with any positive proof what the orientation of gender variant Native American children actually was.

A child with a penis who was raised as a girl was considered a girl in all ways, and generally married a man. They were viewed as women by their tribes, and as such they were commonly the receptive partner for anal intercourse with their husbands. (Hence the French labeling them ‘berdache’ or catamites.) Plains People were polygamous, with men marrying several wives. Transgendered women were considered good wives and respected for their wisdom. Since a man generally had several genetic women as wives, he had plenty of children, and so the inability of a transgendered woman to conceive was not a problem. On the contrary, it meant that at least one wife at any given time (the transgendered wife) would not be preoccuppied with pregnancy, nursing, or the care of small children, and could be depended upon to perform necessary household chores while the mothers tended their children. For this reason transgendered wives have sometimes been construed as ‘servants’ with low status.

Grandparents and other elders also helped in the raising of the children and performance of household duties, nonetheless, while the Plains People were prosperous, there was still a lot of work to be done. High mortality rates among the men (in some cases women outnumbered men by a two to one margin), made polygamy and an extended family necessary in order to provide for the support of widows and orphans. Transgendered wives were an important element of that system. This did not leave much time for pursuing one’s personal affectional preferences, whatever they might be. Affairs did happen among the tribes, but most tales refer to young people eloping. Once saddled with the responsibilities of a family, presumably opportunities for hanky panky diminished.

Transgendered men also occurred among the tribes, but not as frequently, and are not as well documented. People born female, who preferred male activities, were raised as men and married women; they hunted, fought, and even became chiefs. While it seems apparent that their tribes were aware that a transgendered man’s genitals differed from his gender role, it was irrelevant, and apparently not used against them by hostile persons. (Until white influence made itself felt.)

Among some of the Pueblo Peoples, tests were deliberately given to young children, such as placing a child, a bow, and a weaving shuttle within a hut, and setting it on fire. Whichever item the child grabbed as it ran out of the hut determined its gender role in the tribe. Among the Plains People, dreams were very important, and people were obliged to live up to their dreams to the best of their ability. Thus if a person of any age dreamed himself as the opposite sex, he would adopt that role. Sometimes transgendered people slid back and forth between roles, assuming male name and garb for hunting and fighting, but donning female garb and name for domestic chores. This seems to have been rare. Usually transgendered people stayed in one role or the other.

White reaction to transgendered people varied. Often they did not realize that the transgendered person was in fact transgendered. Probably the most famous of Native American transgendered person was He’Hwa, a Zuni. She was a notable craftswoman, and greatly admired by her people and by white people who knew her. She visited Washington, DC, where she demonstrated Native crafts and was wildly popular. Later, when it was discovered that she had male genitalia, her white supporters continued to refer to her as a woman, and to discount the significance of her discordant genitalia, in concordance with tribal custom. Modern gay historians, on the other hand, view this as evidence of homophobia so intense that white people could not accept that He’wha was a man married to a man. However, it seems clear that contemporary white people understood and respected He’wha on the same terms as her tribe did; by contrast, modern gay authors are sufficiently ignorant of transgenderism and tribal customs that they give the greatest weight to genitals, when in fact in the cultural context genitalia were insignificant. It is not recorded if anybody asked He’wha what her sexual preference was, therefore it is impossible to impute an orientation to her, as the word ‘orientation’ is used in modern circumstances. Men in enforced male environments such as shipboard and prison engage in ‘situational homosexuality’, meaning sexual gratification with other men only because no females are available. Considering the firmness of gender roles in Pueblo culture, it is probable that a similar weight of circumstance dictated a functional orientation, as opposed to expression of affectional orientation.

Which begs the question, what is homosexuality? Is it the act of engaging in sex with a member of one’s own gender? What is the ‘own gender’ of a transgendered person? A man, woman, or another transgendered person? Or is orientation determined by desires (which might never be acted on)? ‘Orientation’ is therefore a very slippery concept, loaded with emotional weight and impossible to define in a satisfactory way. Gender role, by contrast, is much more concrete, apparent and discernible. We can say with complete confidence that He’wha was a transgendered woman, but we don’t know if sie considered herself a man in a dress engaged in a gay relationship, or a woman with a minor bodily aberration, considerately overlooked by her husband, and therefore involved in a heterosexual relationship. Transgenderism blows apart the careful dichotomy of gay and straight, as well as the sexual apartheid of man and woman.

In truth, no one is an ‘ism’, or any other form of label. Each of us is a unique being, inlfluenced by other people’s perceptions. The Native Americans of the American and Canadian West enjoyed a personal liberty and self-actualization rarely experienced by white people, and as such, even American,s who have a reputation as rugged individualists, are still not able to conceive just how individualistic ordinary Indians were. Put in a context where all people were dreaming themselves into existence, transgenderism is one of many unique ways a personality might manifest itself. The Native mandate to live up to visions and dreams seems extraordinary to people who are accustomed to dismissing dreams as irrelevant fantasies and who enforce a homogenous lifestyle while at the same time lauding personal liberty. The fundamental perplexity of mainstream American life is, “To thine ownself be true, as long as you aren’t too weird.”

That is probably why the image of the transgendered Native American has such appeal: we all wish that we were free to be who we truly are, to be respected for our unique gifts, and to not have to battle to defend our vision of self against the force of convention.

Transgendered Native Americans

Copyright 1996 by Gary Bowen

1999, amboyz.org

Transgender News

Transgender Parents!

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Okay, let me start off by saying that no, of couse I don’t have all the answers, who does? I just have a lot of life experience as far as the children of transgendered parents are concerned.

So, let’s see, my name is Jess, I’m 17, I’ve been happily female my whole life and I don’t feel the need to change it any time soon. I live on my mother’s and stepmother’s farm. I don’t do farm stuff though; I’m a would-be suburbanite. My mom, Raven Kaldera, a FTM (female to male) and my step-mom, Bella Kaldera, a MTF (male to female) met when I was 7 and they fell madly in love, moved in with each other, blah, blah, blah.

When I was 8 my mom told me he was going to transition. He called me upstairs and said, “Jess, honey, I have something very important to tell you, I’m going to become a boy…” Now I’ll whole-heartedly admit that I’m a freak; I’ve grown up around all sorts of strange people which also includes transgendered folks. But let me tell you something, it’s completely different when it happens to someone you love; someone like your mother no less. So of couse there was a moment’s pause then I replied, “Like Bella but reversed?” He started to laugh and said, “Yeah, it’s going to be a little bit like that. I’m going to change a lot, grow a beard and my voice will deepen.”

At this point I was a little worried; would my mother still love me the same? So I asked, “Will I be able to still call you momma?” He looked thoughtful for a moment and then responded, “If that will make you feel better then you may call me mom, dad or what ever makes you feel comfortable.” That was our compromise.

I can also say that I’ve been so deeply immersed in the transgendered community since such a young age that I’ve seen almost all it has to offer. Most notably information, which is very important in this case. I’ve seen so many transgendered parents come out and say, “I can’t tell my child this, what would they think? I don’t think they’d understand my reasons for doing it, what do I tell them?” and most popular of all, “What if they hate me for it?”

Well, I’m going to stop this one right in its tracks. They won’t hate you for being transgendered nearly as much as they will hate you for lying to them, I promise you that much. If they’re spiteful enough to hate you, then they would have found something else to be wrong with you or your life-style. Also, let me tell you right now: There Is Nothing You Could Do That Would Hurt Them More Than Not Telling Them! I could never, ever stress enough the importance of telling your child something this big. They will find out, and I mean will find out. I mean, when are you going to tell them? When they’re eighteen? “Hey, sweetie, since you’re an adult now I thought it would be time to tell you daddy/mom’s little secret.”

Waiting until they’re grown up to transition isn’t necessarily the right thing to do either. Kids learn form your examples. Having them grow up watching you be miserable and depressed and hate your body is not a good example to set for them. Watching you put off the most important decision of your life won’t exactly teach them how to figure out who they are and handle hard choices about their identity.

All right. Sorry about that, but it’s really hard to imagine that when this poor kid finds out, it might not be from the parent. You can best deliver this news to them in a way that’s easy to swallow, and that can get their fears, hopes, and most importantly, their questions answered. That means the parent’s questions too, as well as the kid’s. Questions, by the way, are a really good sign your kid is accepting the change. There are no bad questions. Questions are wounderful; encourage them whenever possible, it makes the child feel reassured and loved.

If there is a question that you can’t answer, don’t sweat it; there is an entire community of people who might have the answers. So, with your child, go and find out the answers. It’s good morale and helps them feel like they’re in on it too. Also never say, “Well, I’ll find out later,” and then drag your heels. The second you do that you’ve lost not only their trust but their support.

OK, next tough question. How do you make your kid understand? Imagine me rolling my eyes over here. I really shouldn’t have to even point this out, but you can’t make him or her do anything. You should lay it out for them in simple terms. This, of course, all depends on the age. Don’t talk to your teenager like they’re five; speak to them with the respect and honesty that you would a peer, or they won’t listen and they’ll feel resentful at you for it. On the other hand, don’t talk to your five-year-old like they’re an adult. Use words that they can understand, and leave the really big words like “vaginoplasty” and “mastectomy” for a later conversation that they should be the ones to bring up. Try to stick to short 2-syllable compound words like “support-group” and “you’re always going to be my (insert cutesy catch phrase for child here) no matter how I look.” It’s very important to make this point.

There’s something else important that needs to be said. Some transgendered people, after transition, don’t want their kid to call them “Mom” or “Dad” anymore, especially not in public, because they fear that it would out them, and they may not want the reminder of their “past life”. They ask the kid to call them “Aunt Betty” or “Uncle Joe” or something else. Let’s stress this: it isn’t fair to ask a kid to call you something other than what they’ve been calling you for years. Exceptions to this rule might be: 1) if there is no other parent and the kid is excited about suddenly having a parent of the opposite sex; 2) the kid is a baby (or not born yet) and will grow up calling you by a title of your preferred gender, or 3) if the kid is an older teen or adult who feels comfortable negotiating public and private designations. If the kid is still young, don’t make them do it. Allowing them to keep calling you by your old familiar title will help them to feel like they’re not really losing a mom or dad, and help them be more comfortable with the situation. You had this child; you took on the responsibility at their birth of putting them first, before other people in your life. What do you value more, their emotional well-being or the opinions of strangers in the mall?

Now, a really hard question I’ve actually had to answer is “How will they react to this mind bending info?” Well, two possible reacttions might be: 1) They already know on some level, and most likely will have a lot of questions for you. Be sure to find some way to answer them all. Or 2) they’re completely shocked and need a little time to adjust. If this happens, don’t worry, it’s a natural way of coping. Just be calm and tell them no questions are bad, you’ll always love them and you won’t treat them differently. Keep true to your promises, especially the last one.

And as for the “They won’t understand my reasons for this big change…” thing (see me putting my hands on my hips and glowering at you), that’s not an excuse and you know it. Whether or not they “get it” largely depends on you, and how you explain it to them. (Talk to other transgendered people in your community who have already transitioned for good advice on how to explain your identity and needs to clueless others.) And if you don?t want to put in the effort to explain it to them, you’re in trouble, because if you make this change, you’ll be explaining to people and educating them for the rest of your life, so you?d better get used to it. The people who love you are the best place to start, because they actually have a vested interest in understanding and accepting. Besides, if you don?t at least try, you?re failing your kid in the process.

I think I’ve talked myself out now, and I hope this wasn?t too harsh, but like many truths it needed to be said.

—

Yikes! You’re A Transgendered Parent! Now What Do You Do?

2002, Jessica Brangwyn, @amboyz.org